Little me? You're an adult now!
I've had a couple of people ask me, "why unbreakable little me, when you're a full grown woman".
Good question!
Unbreakable little me represents where my depression and all the rest of my craziness comes from. My adult self is actually someone who is able to cope, mouthy, funny and is pretty intelligent. My child self however, is scared, cries at conflict, wants to hide and thinks the worst of herself.
My counsellor found it quite funny that I separate the two considering both 'self's' are in one body, but to me it's quite simple. In a way, I became 'damaged' as a child. The child me never learnt how to deal with the emotions she felt, she also never realised that the behaviour of people towards her was wrong, therefore the abuse pattern was never broken as abusive behaviour was seen as 'normal'. I wish I was educated enough to express the words in my head!
Because the child me was the only way I had ever known, I don't think I had the mechanisms or skills to say "enough" when it came to becoming an adult and having to deal with a toxic family and an abusive partner. I had essentially become an emotionless vegetable and literally crumbled whenever conflict found me.
I do remember the closest I came to blowing my lid though. I was living with my alcoholic grandmother (apparently its not alcoholism if you only drink spirits... Go figure!) and she mentioned my weight. Now, my weight was a sore topic at the time as I was just recovering from whatever weird assed eating disorder I had and I'd put on a few pounds. My grandmother in her drunken wisdom said "You look 6 months pregnant, have you stood on the scales recently?" Oh man, I was so furious! I tried my best to laugh it off but when she said "You'll be shocked by how fat you are", that did it. I remember my face burning, I felt like I was going to pass out and for a few seconds and my sight went. People talk about a red mist, this was it. From that second onwards, recovery was off the tables.
The next day I was apparently too thin according to the grandmother.
To me, my inner child has had full control over my emotions growing up, my inner child has taken the emotional beatings the young adult me couldn't face. My inner child is the strongest person I know and has seen, felt and done things most adults couldn't even fathom. To me, my little me is truly unbreakable.
Stay strong,
Leah x
Good question!
Unbreakable little me represents where my depression and all the rest of my craziness comes from. My adult self is actually someone who is able to cope, mouthy, funny and is pretty intelligent. My child self however, is scared, cries at conflict, wants to hide and thinks the worst of herself.
My counsellor found it quite funny that I separate the two considering both 'self's' are in one body, but to me it's quite simple. In a way, I became 'damaged' as a child. The child me never learnt how to deal with the emotions she felt, she also never realised that the behaviour of people towards her was wrong, therefore the abuse pattern was never broken as abusive behaviour was seen as 'normal'. I wish I was educated enough to express the words in my head!
Because the child me was the only way I had ever known, I don't think I had the mechanisms or skills to say "enough" when it came to becoming an adult and having to deal with a toxic family and an abusive partner. I had essentially become an emotionless vegetable and literally crumbled whenever conflict found me.
I do remember the closest I came to blowing my lid though. I was living with my alcoholic grandmother (apparently its not alcoholism if you only drink spirits... Go figure!) and she mentioned my weight. Now, my weight was a sore topic at the time as I was just recovering from whatever weird assed eating disorder I had and I'd put on a few pounds. My grandmother in her drunken wisdom said "You look 6 months pregnant, have you stood on the scales recently?" Oh man, I was so furious! I tried my best to laugh it off but when she said "You'll be shocked by how fat you are", that did it. I remember my face burning, I felt like I was going to pass out and for a few seconds and my sight went. People talk about a red mist, this was it. From that second onwards, recovery was off the tables.
The next day I was apparently too thin according to the grandmother.
To me, my inner child has had full control over my emotions growing up, my inner child has taken the emotional beatings the young adult me couldn't face. My inner child is the strongest person I know and has seen, felt and done things most adults couldn't even fathom. To me, my little me is truly unbreakable.
Stay strong,
Leah x
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