This, is me

I've wanted to tell my story for a long time.
For nearly 30 years I have been silent.
This, is me.

I'm not too sure how to start this blog, I'll be honest. I get moments of clarity that are quickly shrouded in silence. I've been meaning to create some sort of blog to tell my story, even if nobody else reads it. I guess, in a way, this is my catharsis: my release, a way to purge all the negative emotions I don't show to anyone else.

I'm currently 29 and I am a survivor. I have survived rape, physical beatings, mental abuse, eating disorders, depression and attempted suicide. I have been in unhealthy relationships, I have abused drugs and alcohol, I also lost my family when they found out about the abuse in my life. I'm still here though!

As I write the first page of my blog, my partner is sleeping, my daughter is watching a programme about cats and my dogs are doing their best to get into my bin. It's a little over freezing outside and it feels the same inside my 2 bedroomed flat. I'm currently situated on a housing estate, I'm also surrounded by many unsavory characters, I'll probably end up mentioning them later on in the blog.

I've just been watching a programme about a woman who was raped by her brother and birthed his child. I felt really empowered by her story, her courage and her strength and that is what prompted me to share my story. I hope that one day, someone will see this and will feel encouraged to speak out about their life too.

The daughter has just decided to draw on herself, so I guess this is the end of page one. Sorry I couldn't write more, I still feel silenced in a way. Eventually, I'll feel more confident in my writing and my ability to convey my feelings and emotions onto paper (or computer in this case!).

Stay strong,
Leah x

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to live with anxiety

Image
According to mentalhealth.org.uk in 2013 there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the U.K. I can only imagine that the statistic is higher now. If you have anxiety, you're not alone. Anxiety is something I live with and manage every day of my life. Most of the time, my anxiety is manageable and even when it is manageable, I still have twinges of panic. Other days it really does get in the way of life and it affects everything. Anxiety isn't just a mental illness either, the symptoms of anxiety can also manifest physically too. Every had an anxiety or panic attack? The hyperventilating, the disassociating, the leg jiggling, the physical feeling of dying and all the other illnesses you suddenly have? Yeah, me too but I've tried lots of different techniques and here are the ones that work for me. Feel the feelings of anxiety, and just go with it. The thoughts and feelings associated with anxiety can be horrendous. Sometimes trying to fight the anxiety can make thing...
Read more

"Black Dog" depression

Image
I saw a video a few years back about depression, it was called "I had a black dog, his name was depression" published by the World Heath Organisation (2012). It was the first video that I had seen that didn't try to "jazz-up" depression. I've seen many videos that are the equivalent of the kitten on a wire poster saying "hang in there". No, I don't need that, I can " hang in there" just fine. I need something to relate to when I feel alone, something that says "yes, I understand". This video showed that, in fact I still watch it occasionally even now. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I kept getting horrible migraines, nausea and food didn't seem so appealing anymore. When I went to the doctors (the first time) he brushed it off as I was " too young to be depressed". You're never too young for depression. Depression doesn't care if you're young or old, black or white, tall or ...
Read more

If you have depression and you're happy, clap your hands!

Image
I think one of the biggest myths of depression is that people with depression can't be happy. Depression isn't all doom and gloom, it's not all black clouds and thunderstorms. Depression has been one of the biggest eye openers I have ever experienced. When I'm in a depressive episode, 90% of the time I'm smiling, playing with my daughter and trying to make the world a little fluffier. I think it's called high-functioning depression or walking depression (I almost wrote 'dead', I love zombie programmes far too much!) The ways that people who have depression are visualised is wrong and that really doesn't help with stigma. Just because I'm not walking around like this: (Look at his face!!!) It doesn't mean I'm not feeling down or sad. Some days I don't even know why I'm down or sad! I just am. Sorry if I'm coming across as a little ranty, I'm just tired of people assuming that depression is like a constant...
Read more