You're not a fit mother!
I've had quite a few discussions over the past 3 years as to why I have a child if I have depression.
1) my life is not your f'ing concern,
2) my life is not your f'ing concern,
3) my life is not your f'ing concern!
But seriously though, why did I decide to have a child when my mental health was at one of its lowest points?
The answer?
I didn't.
It happened.
End of.
I didn't actually want a child at the time of conception, both my partner and I were taking necessary precautions and I also thought I couldn't have a child after I lost my period a year previous.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 8 and a half stone but in reality I wanted to weigh a stone less. I was exercising for 2 hours every day and running for an hour every other day. My diet consisted of:
The day I found out I was expecting, I told my partner and he was excited. I, on the other hand felt nothing, I didn't feel happy nor did I feel sad. I knew there was a life inside me yet it didn't feel real.
Something odd happened though. I stopped all my medication, I stopped exercising, I began eating (when I could, morning sickness is awful!). I subconsciously knew that I had to do anything to allow this being the best chance of survival. Looking back, it felt like I was on auto pilot and nothing I could do would stop that course of action.
Other things started happening too, my mood didn't lift but I could cope with certain things. I managed to work, I managed to pay bills, I managed to see family, I could even get on a bus. The being had somehow become a shield and I felt immortal. I could hide behind my pregnancy because I'd learnt, nobody took on a pregnant woman and won.
My daughter was born at almost midnight weighing a very healthy 9lbs+. My...other areas certainly did not thank me as now, I can't cough or sneeze if i have a full bladder. But that's beside the point.
See, amidst all that was happening in my life, I subconsciously gave up everything that I identified as "me" for a group of cells. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out and even though 5 weeks isn't such a big deal, my inner workings had already put into place a plan of action to keep this being alive. To me, my daughter saved my life.
Yes, I have depression,
Yes, I have anxiety,
Yes, I have really messed up flashbacks occasionally.
No, it doesn't make me a bad mother,
No, I'm not ashamed,
No, I can't imagine life without her.
She's my world.
Leah x
1) my life is not your f'ing concern,
2) my life is not your f'ing concern,
3) my life is not your f'ing concern!
But seriously though, why did I decide to have a child when my mental health was at one of its lowest points?
The answer?
I didn't.
It happened.
End of.
I didn't actually want a child at the time of conception, both my partner and I were taking necessary precautions and I also thought I couldn't have a child after I lost my period a year previous.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 8 and a half stone but in reality I wanted to weigh a stone less. I was exercising for 2 hours every day and running for an hour every other day. My diet consisted of:
- 1 apple
- 10 cups of coffee
- 1 yogurt
The day I found out I was expecting, I told my partner and he was excited. I, on the other hand felt nothing, I didn't feel happy nor did I feel sad. I knew there was a life inside me yet it didn't feel real.
Something odd happened though. I stopped all my medication, I stopped exercising, I began eating (when I could, morning sickness is awful!). I subconsciously knew that I had to do anything to allow this being the best chance of survival. Looking back, it felt like I was on auto pilot and nothing I could do would stop that course of action.
Other things started happening too, my mood didn't lift but I could cope with certain things. I managed to work, I managed to pay bills, I managed to see family, I could even get on a bus. The being had somehow become a shield and I felt immortal. I could hide behind my pregnancy because I'd learnt, nobody took on a pregnant woman and won.
My daughter was born at almost midnight weighing a very healthy 9lbs+. My...other areas certainly did not thank me as now, I can't cough or sneeze if i have a full bladder. But that's beside the point.
See, amidst all that was happening in my life, I subconsciously gave up everything that I identified as "me" for a group of cells. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out and even though 5 weeks isn't such a big deal, my inner workings had already put into place a plan of action to keep this being alive. To me, my daughter saved my life.
Yes, I have depression,
Yes, I have anxiety,
Yes, I have really messed up flashbacks occasionally.
No, it doesn't make me a bad mother,
No, I'm not ashamed,
No, I can't imagine life without her.
She's my world.
Leah x
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