Why can't I sleep?
Sleep is essential.
Sleep is not an option.
Most people with a mental health problem will tell you that more often than not, they have trouble sleeping. The funny thing is, sleep is essential in maintaining ones own mental health. So why is sleep such a problem for people with a mental illness?
Worrying. That's my problem.
Whenever I try to sleep, the anxiety cloud comes with the intensity of Thor's Hammer, smashing the Giants in their face.
I start to remember things that have happened during the day. Maybe I didn't need to tell my daughter off for dropping the cup. Maybe my partner was right and I was in fact, wrong.
Next, I'm thinking about stuff that happened last year, things that have been long forgotten about. In the same flitting memory, I'm remembering when my mums boyfriend shouted at me, and how I could have reacted differently. Instead of being silent and crying, maybe I should have shouted back. All of these scenarios mean nothing to me now, so why do they still impact me every night, 12 years later?
I genuinely have no answers. All I can think right now is, maybe my mind still isn't my friend yet. Worrying leads to poor sleep, and poor sleep leads to worrying. It does feel like my mind is fighting with itself sometimes and it's not the best place to be.
However, despite the doom and gloom inside my head, my outside disposition is still its cheery self! I'm very good at faking a smile, not the best thing to do, but I'd rather people see me "happy" than miserable 24/7.
I do realise that this post is a bit... Blegh. I can't describe it better, but like I said in my first post, I'm trying to find a release in writing down my feelings. Hopefully it will bring about some sort of change within myself, or at least give me an opportunity to see what's bothering me the most so I can either change it or react differently.
So with that said, I'm going back to watching Blaze and The Monster Machines, the joys of having a small child, I don't even need an excuse to watch kids TV!
Stay strong,
Leah x
Sleep is not an option.
Most people with a mental health problem will tell you that more often than not, they have trouble sleeping. The funny thing is, sleep is essential in maintaining ones own mental health. So why is sleep such a problem for people with a mental illness?
Worrying. That's my problem.
Whenever I try to sleep, the anxiety cloud comes with the intensity of Thor's Hammer, smashing the Giants in their face.
I start to remember things that have happened during the day. Maybe I didn't need to tell my daughter off for dropping the cup. Maybe my partner was right and I was in fact, wrong.
Next, I'm thinking about stuff that happened last year, things that have been long forgotten about. In the same flitting memory, I'm remembering when my mums boyfriend shouted at me, and how I could have reacted differently. Instead of being silent and crying, maybe I should have shouted back. All of these scenarios mean nothing to me now, so why do they still impact me every night, 12 years later?
I genuinely have no answers. All I can think right now is, maybe my mind still isn't my friend yet. Worrying leads to poor sleep, and poor sleep leads to worrying. It does feel like my mind is fighting with itself sometimes and it's not the best place to be.
However, despite the doom and gloom inside my head, my outside disposition is still its cheery self! I'm very good at faking a smile, not the best thing to do, but I'd rather people see me "happy" than miserable 24/7.
I do realise that this post is a bit... Blegh. I can't describe it better, but like I said in my first post, I'm trying to find a release in writing down my feelings. Hopefully it will bring about some sort of change within myself, or at least give me an opportunity to see what's bothering me the most so I can either change it or react differently.
So with that said, I'm going back to watching Blaze and The Monster Machines, the joys of having a small child, I don't even need an excuse to watch kids TV!
Stay strong,
Leah x
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