What is this all for?
It's 5:50am and sleep has decided, yet again to allude me. I've been trying to find a way to get my blog "out there", comment on other blogs, use twitter, use Facebook, link-around type things ARGH!! I've no idea what I'm doing!
I've wanted to delete this blog at least 20 times over the past hour yet at the same time, it's something I want and possibly need to do. I'm always fearful that what I say could be classed as stupid or insignificant, but is it just me feeling stupid and insignificant?
From a very young age, I was always made to feel that my voice didn't matter. I'd constantly be talked over, I was always in the wrong, any fact I spoke had to be looked up by someone else otherwise I wouldn't be believed.
I remember an argument mothers partner and I had. Are cows omnivores or herbivores? Simply that. He was adamant that an omnivore just ate grass, I simply corrected him by saying it was a herbivore. I swear, you would have thought I'd insulted his family by the reaction!
After 10 minutes of trying to argue my point about the differences, he eventually said " You don't know fuck all, you're just a kid", I was 22 at the time. He then proceeded to literally scream in my face "So, you're calling me a liar" several times over, however he won't remember it as he has an alcohol problem just like grandmother and also won't admit to it. This went on for a further 10 minutes, all the while, mother is sat in the front room refusing to intervene while some drunk, aggressive bully is screaming at her daughter. I eventually walked away while said alcoholic bully proceeded to slam every frigging door in the house. Huffing and puffing away like the big bad wolf.
Point being, I was 22 and was still being spoken over and being made to feel stupid and insignificant. It's literally in the past 4 months since I've cut all ties with that part of the family, I can finally speak. Yet my voice fills me with dread, my thoughts scare me especially when it comes to talking facts, to the point that whenever someone disagrees with me all I can do is clam up. I lose my voice as my mouth literally refuses to open, all the while my brain is screaming "Open your fucking mouth! Say something, anything!"
Maybe, because of those types of things happening over and over, it's made me think my views and opinions don't matter. My story isn't worth telling because it's not important. My own family don't want to believe me or acknowledge the things they have done so why would a total stranger?
No, my story does matter.
My voice will be heard, and I don't care if you believe me or not, you will hear me.
Leah x
I've wanted to delete this blog at least 20 times over the past hour yet at the same time, it's something I want and possibly need to do. I'm always fearful that what I say could be classed as stupid or insignificant, but is it just me feeling stupid and insignificant?
From a very young age, I was always made to feel that my voice didn't matter. I'd constantly be talked over, I was always in the wrong, any fact I spoke had to be looked up by someone else otherwise I wouldn't be believed.
I remember an argument mothers partner and I had. Are cows omnivores or herbivores? Simply that. He was adamant that an omnivore just ate grass, I simply corrected him by saying it was a herbivore. I swear, you would have thought I'd insulted his family by the reaction!
After 10 minutes of trying to argue my point about the differences, he eventually said " You don't know fuck all, you're just a kid", I was 22 at the time. He then proceeded to literally scream in my face "So, you're calling me a liar" several times over, however he won't remember it as he has an alcohol problem just like grandmother and also won't admit to it. This went on for a further 10 minutes, all the while, mother is sat in the front room refusing to intervene while some drunk, aggressive bully is screaming at her daughter. I eventually walked away while said alcoholic bully proceeded to slam every frigging door in the house. Huffing and puffing away like the big bad wolf.
Point being, I was 22 and was still being spoken over and being made to feel stupid and insignificant. It's literally in the past 4 months since I've cut all ties with that part of the family, I can finally speak. Yet my voice fills me with dread, my thoughts scare me especially when it comes to talking facts, to the point that whenever someone disagrees with me all I can do is clam up. I lose my voice as my mouth literally refuses to open, all the while my brain is screaming "Open your fucking mouth! Say something, anything!"
Maybe, because of those types of things happening over and over, it's made me think my views and opinions don't matter. My story isn't worth telling because it's not important. My own family don't want to believe me or acknowledge the things they have done so why would a total stranger?
No, my story does matter.
My voice will be heard, and I don't care if you believe me or not, you will hear me.
Leah x
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