Unbreakable

So, I've been getting quite a few nasty DMs through twitter. Most of the time it really doesn't bother me as I'm quite resilient to the "banter". However, when I'm in a down period, it takes me a lot longer to bounce back. Example: " You'll never be like Zoella. You're not even relevant" I'm really not trying to be like anyone. Zoella and I have had completely different lifestyles, completely different upbringings and completely different mental health issues. Same for everyone else, nobody understands your mental health issues better than you do. As for being relevant, I like to believe we are all relevant. We all have a journey to fulfill. "You're so boring and depressing. Why are you still alive if your life is so shit?" Yeah, I admit, life on benefits is never extravagant no matter how you see it portrayed in the media. £600 a month between two adults and an ever growing child isn't easy either. Not to mention

If you're like me, you're here because you're having trouble sleeping. Many people who experience anxiety or depression are quite often awake until the early hours regardless of how tired they are. I've decided to do a mindfulness/self help post of the tips I use to help me to sleep. I'm hoping that in the future I'll feel brave enough to do some mindfulness videos on YouTube! Make a bed time Try to get yourself into the habit of going to bed and walking up around the same time each day.  Limit your naps If you do have to nap, try napping midday rather than in the evening. Evening naps will interfere with sleeping at night. Create the mood Dimming the lights or even listening to some calming music in your bedroom half an hour before you want to sleep can induce a state of relaxation before bedtime. Try some bedtime mindfulness too! Use your bedroom as a bedroom Your bedroom should be a space of relaxation. Using your be

Can food really help our mental health? I know from my own personal experience, any time I start eating lots of junk, my mood plummets. I don't know if this is due to the food I am eating or if it is in fact, due to a personal gravitational pull towards those types of food when my mood is low. I just know that my mind suffers when I don't eat well. As I am not a doctor (yet!) I can't really offer an explanation as to why or his food can affect our mood, all I can offer is advice and tips for you to explore your own relationship between your mood and food (if I'm honest, my mood isn't great today so I don't have much energy to sift through the evidence, sorry) Do you eat regularly? Skipping meals or going for a long time between meals can affect your blood sugar. Low blood sugar can leave you tired, irritable, anxious and with a low mood. If you can, try to eat slow releasing energy food such as: Oats Protein Whole grains Nuts and seeds If you

I first met my partner 8 years ago. The second I saw him I knew I was in love. That very second I told myself that I was going to marry him and i was going to have his children. I didn't tell him about my mental health at first, I had such a sense of grandeur due to being addicted to drugs, I didn't even think that I had a mental illness at the time. After a while, I left the drug scene, lost all the "friends" I thought I had and for the first time in a long time, I was alone and isolated. Eventually the happy façade I had put on, the walls I built to keep me protected, fell. Man, that caused me so much devastation to the point where I had no idea how to climb out of the rubble. My partner saw the change in me. When I once kept myself clean and polished, the cracks began to show in my appearance. My make-up was pushed to the back of the closet, my nicer clothes laid in a pile on the floor, my roots were inches long. I just didn't care anymore. He stayed with m

After losing my benefits and being found 'fit for work' by the wonderful DWP (department of work and pensions), I'm now having to find full time work despite 50 pages of medical history, 2 supporting letters from 2 separate doctors and a letter from my health visitor. As I like to keep my blog unpolitical, I've decided to write about working when you have mental health problems rather than the demoralising and unjust work capability assessments sick and disabled people are forced to have in the UK. *and breathe* According to the Mental Health Foundation  mental illness is the leading cause of absence in the workplace. For most people returning to work, bullying, having to go back to work too soon and exacerbation of their mental illness plays an important factor when deciding to return to work. So what do we do if we have no choice but to go back to work due to loss of finances? From my personal perspective, I think the only thing we can do is try, but with pe

The post I was supposed to share earlier, I'm sick today so I'm sorry for the delay. I'm currently sat on my bedroom floor using the local BT WiFi hotspot, my child tax credits haven't been paid, I've run out of electric so my electric is off. It's going to be a difficult weekend with a three year old. I've never given it much thought before but what does it mean to me being female living in poverty? This week has been a hard one. I've been in a position of having no money to buy gas or electric before but I've always somehow managed to scrape through. The reason this week has been hard is because I've had my period. Because I wasn't paid my child tax credits, I haven't been able to buy any sanitary products, this week I have felt disgusting, shamed and just generally unclean. This week, I learned that toilet roll would become my best friend. I'm not really too sure where I'm going with this post as it really is just a sp

It's a bit of a no-no when writing about something you don't fully understand. Today I'll be heading into that territory, some what. I'm feeling guilty about the balance of the blog and I'm feeling a little fraudulent that I'm not sticking to the intent I originally set out to portray. I always wanted this blog to show my journey with mental health and how I deal with it. I also wanted to give tips on how to cope when the dreaded black cloud strikes. I'm feeling guilt that I'm not taking my own advice and I'm becoming a hypocrite. Do you ever feel that way? You give out good advice but as soon as it comes down to taking said advice, you can't do it? Now into the no-no territory, I believe I could be disassociating. I don't know much about it which is why I don't feel I should write too much about it. I've just bleached the kitchen floor and didn't want my daughter in there. I told her to go into the living room and she h

I grew up in an abusive household. If it wasn't strange men coming and going it was alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse, shouting, neglect. I never fit in.  My family was  small and thin with beautiful features. I was always chubbier than the rest of the family and when I hit puberty I hated having chubby cheeks, a bigger bum and bigger thighs (good old genetics!) I was always quiet, I guess that's what made me an easy target. I never spoke up, never questioned anything and when conflict came my way, I'd cry until I fell asleep. I was unkempt, overweight, huge glasses and had head lice. It was horrendous and mother never did anything about it. I was teased and bullied at home and at school. I never knew how to protect myself. I was 26 years old when I decided to get help again. Not for myself but for my daughter. I didn't want her to feel like the fuck up I felt. She'll never have to question her self-worth. Outside influence: Every day we ar

Good morning sunshine! This is my first scheduled post because I know I'll be too busy to write something in the morning. As you read this I will have dealt with postman anxiety, found the shoe my daughter hid under the sofa approximately 10 minutes before we need to leave for school, wrestled with the dogs for the umpteenth time because they demand to spend every waking second outside, chasing each other. I've tried not to throw up 10 times due to anxiety and I've probably peed about 100 times because anxiety likes to mess with the workings down below. All this in 90 minutes. Phew! Anxiety takes up so much of the morning doesn't it? Does this sound slightly familiar? No wonder living with a mental illness is so exhausting. See, when you write it down like that, from the moment you wake up and within the first hour of waking, your brain and your body are going a million miles an hour. Even if you stay in bed for that hour, it's still a whole 60 minutes of f

According to mentalhealth.org.uk in 2013 there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the U.K. I can only imagine that the statistic is higher now. If you have anxiety, you're not alone. Anxiety is something I live with and manage every day of my life. Most of the time, my anxiety is manageable and even when it is manageable, I still have twinges of panic. Other days it really does get in the way of life and it affects everything. Anxiety isn't just a mental illness either, the symptoms of anxiety can also manifest physically too. Every had an anxiety or panic attack? The hyperventilating, the disassociating, the leg jiggling, the physical feeling of dying and all the other illnesses you suddenly have? Yeah, me too but I've tried lots of different techniques and here are the ones that work for me. Feel the feelings of anxiety, and just go with it. The thoughts and feelings associated with anxiety can be horrendous. Sometimes trying to fight the anxiety can make thing

I think one of the biggest myths of depression is that people with depression can't be happy. Depression isn't all doom and gloom, it's not all black clouds and thunderstorms. Depression has been one of the biggest eye openers I have ever experienced. When I'm in a depressive episode, 90% of the time I'm smiling, playing with my daughter and trying to make the world a little fluffier. I think it's called high-functioning depression or walking depression (I almost wrote 'dead', I love zombie programmes far too much!) The ways that people who have depression are visualised is wrong and that really doesn't help with stigma. Just because I'm not walking around like this: (Look at his face!!!) It doesn't mean I'm not feeling down or sad. Some days I don't even know why I'm down or sad! I just am. Sorry if I'm coming across as a little ranty, I'm just tired of people assuming that depression is like a constant

You're in an arcade, you're playing your favourite game and you've just beaten the end boss. You win 24 tickets, what do you buy? You get £86,400 deposited in your bank account every day. At the end of the day, whatever you don't spend of the £86,400 is wiped from your account and £86,400 is added to your bank account the next day. What are you spending your £86,400 on? As you've guessed, the 24 tickets are the 24 hours in the day, the game is life. The £86,400 is the 86,400 seconds we have in a day, what you "spend" it on is the quality of life you give yourself. I know 99% of the people reading this will be thinking, "You're full of shit, love. I'm struggling so much today, I can barely think about the next minute let alone the next hour". I'm with you too, I have 3/4 weeks to find a full time job because after my ESA assessment next week, I will have lost my benefits. I don't have the energy to fight the decision, to

Today, I quit my shit. As I write this, the bullshit excuses and the lies I tell myself everyday are done. Gone. Bye. I'm tired of trying to prove myself to everyone else, I'm tired of trying to lose weight for all the wrong reasons, I'm tired of people dictating which path I should walk on. Most of all though, I'm tired of keeping myself in this place (whatever this place may be). Mentally, emotionally, physically, I am sabotaging myself every single damn day. I preoccupy my thoughts with situations that happened weeks, months, years ago. I add dialogue, images and various endings to the scenarios, I shouldn't be doing that. These things happened, but now it's over and done with. Why on earth should I be keeping myself in a past that's more painful than the present I'm in? It makes no sense to me anymore! I wish I could give you all advice on how to overcome your past and how to make the present worthwhile. I can't, not yet. I'

When I first decided to start this blog, my mindset was "focus on depression and anxiety and how to cope". Recently, I feels it's become more than that. Previously the image in my head was a mountain. My depression and anxiety was the mountain and I was the mountaineer trying to navigate the familiar yet foreign land. For some reason, things have changed and I'm unsure as to how or why. Right now, my mind feels like the sea ebbing too and fro on the shore. I've been meditating, exercising and doing yoga. I've also given up smoking. Maybe these are the reasons for my mood change? Whatever the reason, i feel more at peace right now than I have in the past 2 months. I think I became too self centered with the blog. Perhaps I should have focused of my lifestyle too, my life choices, my life? As usual, the feelings of happiness and self love are plagued in guilt and doubt, feelings that often come with the self sabotage I'm so used to. Things need to chan

Wow, 5 weeks since I last posted! I'm not very good at this am I! I do apologise though, I've had a lot happening recently. If you're in the UK, you've probably heard of ESA and PIP, if not, these things are "out of work" benefits for the sick and disabled. The past 5 weeks has just been so emotional and draining. I've had my ESA medical assessment, a PIP assessment and my partners PIP tribunal. The family has been sick with a chest infection, cold and other assorted sick bugs. I've also had a large Uni assignment to complete, so it's been a heavy 5 weeks. I am however, coming back to the moment and being in the moment. I'm trying my best to connect with myself again and to do the things that make me happy. I'll be writing more later, but I wanted to say to whoever cares, I'm still here. Leah x

Monday has come and gone. It's 12:30am Tuesday morning and I'm feeling pretty good! I've managed to smoke less today and I even faced the postman. This blog will be short and sweet as I only have 4% battery on this tablet and I want to get something posted. What did you achieve today? Even if you stayed in bed all day, you survived Monday with me. You didn't give up and you carried on. That in itself deserves praise. Well done to all my Monday survivors, let's take on Tuesday! Leah x

OK, until I figure out a way to add pages on this thing, everything will have to go in one place. I'm going to talk about something many people with a mental illness feel embarrassed about - hygiene. As it stands it has been 3 weeks since I last showered, brushed my teeth or brushed my hair. I've been in the same clothes for 3 days and I also slept in them last night too. Disgusting? Probably. Do I care? Nope! If you looked at me, you wouldn't say I was dirty. Maybe the hair might give it a way a little (hurrah for dry shampoo!) but other than that, I look "normal". In all honesty I spend pretty much 24 hours in my flat and I don't do much to get into a sweat. Unmotivated? Probably. Lazy? Most certainly not! It's not that I don't want to bathe, I really do! I love the feeling of a shower or a bath just washing away my day. However, when the shower looks like Everest and the bathroom feels like over stuffed suitcase, it's hard to s

Its currently 12:09am on Monday morning. Today brings a new wave of dread and anxiety. Sundays are always hard, I very rarely sleep on a Sunday night. I'm worrying about the rest of the week, living until Friday night when I know nobody will be knocking at my door, nobody will be ringing the house phone and if I have any post, I can leave it until Monday. I want a job, but as I'm living in a small town and I don't drive the opportunity for a job is very slim. I can't afford childcare fees either so there's added pressure to find something suitable. My partner isn't in the best of health so unfortunately, he can't look after the little one. Things feel hard today and at the moment my only coping mechanism is to retreat into myself. I hate Mondays, until I get a job, I will always hate Mondays. Leah x

I've had quite a few discussions over the past 3 years as to why I have a child if I have depression. 1) my life is not your f'ing concern, 2) my life is not your f'ing concern, 3) my life is not your f'ing concern! But seriously though, why did I decide to have a child when my mental health was at one of its lowest points? The answer? I didn't. It happened. End of. I didn't actually want a child at the time of conception, both my partner and I were taking necessary precautions and I also thought I couldn't have a child after I lost my period a year previous. When I found out I was pregnant I was 8 and a half stone but in reality I wanted to weigh a stone less. I was exercising for 2 hours every day and running for an hour every other day. My diet consisted of: 1 apple 10 cups of coffee 1 yogurt I'd also had my medications upped by the doctor and that was causing weighloss too. I loved those tablets so much, I lost weight, I felt naus

Apparently I have to put a warning otherwise: no post! So, I guess it's time to get down to the nitty gritty type of stuff. I'm not actually sure how to start this bit. Its not that I have any trouble talking about it, I'm just not sure where to begin. I think a story might be best. "I was raped", I said. She sat on the bed, looking at me. I already knew she didn't believe me. "Are you sure?" She questioned. "Yes, he did it while everyone was asleep" I replied, numb. I'd been through this before, I knew how it would end. She left the room and returned 10 minutes later. "He said he went in your room because you invited him in, you both went to sleep and he woke up with you teling him you'd snap his arm in 3 places". She seemed more annoyed that I'd threatened her grandson. "Yes, I did say that" I replied. "Well, he didn't deny it happened. This is why I say sleep in separate bedrooms".

It's 5:50am and sleep has decided, yet again to allude me. I've been trying to find a way to get my blog "out there", comment on other blogs, use twitter, use Facebook, link-around type things ARGH!! I've no idea what I'm doing! I've wanted to delete this blog at least 20 times over the past hour yet at the same time, it's something I want and possibly need to do. I'm always fearful that what I say could be classed as stupid or insignificant, but is it just me feeling stupid and insignificant? From a very young age, I was always made to feel that my voice didn't matter. I'd constantly be talked over, I was always in the wrong, any fact I spoke had to be looked up by someone else otherwise I wouldn't be believed. I remember an argument mothers partner and I had. Are cows omnivores or herbivores? Simply that. He was adamant that an omnivore just ate grass, I simply corrected him by saying it was a herbivore. I swear, you would have

I've had a couple of people ask me, "why unbreakable little me, when you're a full grown woman". Good question! Unbreakable little me represents where my depression and all the rest of my craziness comes from. My adult self is actually someone who is able to cope, mouthy, funny and is pretty intelligent. My child self however, is scared, cries at conflict, wants to hide and thinks the worst of herself. My counsellor found it quite funny that I separate the two considering both 'self's' are in one body, but to me it's quite simple. In a way, I became 'damaged' as a child. The child me never learnt how to deal with the emotions she felt, she also never realised that the behaviour of people towards her was wrong, therefore the abuse pattern was never broken as abusive behaviour was seen as 'normal'. I wish I was educated enough to express the words in my head! Because the child me was the only way I had ever known, I don't think

I saw a video a few years back about depression, it was called "I had a black dog, his name was depression" published by the World Heath Organisation (2012). It was the first video that I had seen that didn't try to "jazz-up" depression. I've seen many videos that are the equivalent of the kitten on a wire poster saying "hang in there". No, I don't need that, I can " hang in there" just fine. I need something to relate to when I feel alone, something that says "yes, I understand". This video showed that, in fact I still watch it occasionally even now. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I kept getting horrible migraines, nausea and food didn't seem so appealing anymore. When I went to the doctors (the first time) he brushed it off as I was " too young to be depressed". You're never too young for depression. Depression doesn't care if you're young or old, black or white, tall or

Sleep is essential . Sleep is not an option . Most people with a mental health problem will tell you that more often than not, they have trouble sleeping. The funny thing is, sleep is essential in maintaining ones own mental health. So why is sleep such a problem for people with a mental illness? Worrying. That's my problem. Whenever I try to sleep, the anxiety cloud comes with the intensity of Thor's Hammer, smashing the Giants in their face. I start to remember things that have happened during the day. Maybe I didn't need to tell my daughter off for dropping the cup. Maybe my partner was right and I was in fact, wrong. Next, I'm thinking about stuff that happened last year, things that have been long forgotten about. In the same flitting memory, I'm remembering when my mums boyfriend shouted at me, and how I could have reacted differently. Instead of being silent and crying, maybe I should have shouted back. All of these scenarios mean nothing to me now, s

I've wanted to tell my story for a long time. For nearly 30 years I have been silent. This, is me. I'm not too sure how to start this blog, I'll be honest. I get moments of clarity that are quickly shrouded in silence. I've been meaning to create some sort of blog to tell my story, even if nobody else reads it. I guess, in a way, this is my catharsis: my release, a way to purge all the negative emotions I don't show to anyone else. I'm currently 29 and I am a survivor. I have survived rape, physical beatings, mental abuse, eating disorders, depression and attempted suicide. I have been in unhealthy relationships, I have abused drugs and alcohol, I also lost my family when they found out about the abuse in my life. I'm still here though! As I write the first page of my blog, my partner is sleeping, my daughter is watching a programme about cats and my dogs are doing their best to get into my bin. It's a little over freezing outside and it feels t